The Style Invitational Week 758 Wrong Address
Saturday, March 29, 2008; C02
Four score and seven years ago our
fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in
Now we are engaged in a great civil war,
testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can
long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to
dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here
gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and
proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not
dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The
brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above
our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember
what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the
living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who
fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here
dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead
we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full
measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not
have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of
freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people,
shall not perish from the earth.
In this day of the
three-second sound bite -- not to mention seamless digital editing -- any
politician who makes any utterance in the vicinity of a recording device risks
having his words taken wildly out of context: Parts of his comments might be
deleted or even rearranged, transmogrifying sensible discourse into outrageous
"quotes."
But why should contemporary
public figures suffer this fate alone? This week: Using any of the words of
Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, in whatever order you like, create your
own passage. Given that there are only 140 or so unique words in this
exquisitely eloquent gem of a speech -- barely more than half the number in
"The Cat in the Hat," which the Losers similarly deconstructed a year
ago -- you may pull out a portion of a word to use as a full word, such as
"cat" from "dedicated." You may repeat a word in your
passage even if it appears only once in the actual text.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the really ugly
ceramic alligator-head coin bank pictured here, a souvenir of Gainesville,
Fla., home of the University of Florida Gators and not coincidentally of J.
Larry Schott, the Loser who sent it to us. While of course it would look lovely
on a massive rosewood desk, or perhaps on a vanity next to the crystal bottle
of Jean Patou's Joy, the Empress would opt to install it, facing upward, inside
a toilet bowl.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com
or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 7. Put "Week 758"
in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include
your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged
on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The
Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be
published April 26. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington
Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous
entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by
Beverley Sharp. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland.
Report From Week 754, in which we supplied a list of famous personages and asked you to
note "uncanny similarities" between any two:
4. Tiger Woods and Moses:
Both have little trouble negotiating water hazards. Getting out of the sand, a
different story. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills; Ellen Raphaeli,
3. Napoleon Bonaparte said,
"Able was I ere I saw
2. The winner of the
driver's-lap-size Beat the Beltway board game,
At one point in
his life, a woman sent Moses adrift in the
And the Winner of the Inker
Eleanor Roosevelt lived with
a president who had an affair. Bill Clinton wants to live with a president who
lived with a president who had an affair. (Larry Yungk,
Beyond Compare: Honorable Mentions
Morticia Addams was 223 years
old and looked 26.
Britney Spears is 26 years
old and looks 223. (Ira Allen,
Montgomery Burns and Britney
Spears are both associated with spectacular meltdowns. (Phil Frankenfeld,
Washington)
Tiger Woods is famous for his
putts.
As is Bill Clinton. (Jay
Shuck,
In 1946, Bill Clinton and
Mohandas K. Gandhi were both wearing diapers. (George Smith,
Eleanor Roosevelt and Bill
Clinton were each married to someone with bad legs. (N.G. Andrews,
Smuts played a big
role in Mohandas K. Gandhi's life, while smut's played a big role in Bill
Clinton's life. (Chris Doyle)
Moses came down from
Britney Spears was carried to
Both Gandhi and Clinton
subscribed to the notion that "no one is untouchable." (Robert
Elwood,
Moses and Britney Spears:
Both cases suggest that sometimes a baby is safer floating down the river in a
homemade wicker basket than staying with his mother. (Christopher Short,
Eleanor Roosevelt and Bill
Clinton: In private, Hillary Clinton still speaks to Eleanor. In public, she
still speaks to Bill. (Russell Beland,
Britney Spears and Gandhi
were equally good-looking when bald. (Peter Metrinko,
Groucho Marx said, "A
woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke."
Bill Clinton just combined
the two. (Randy Lee, Burke)
Both Moses and Bill Clinton
will be forever associated with the phrase "go down." (N.G. Andrews)
Moses said, "Do not
commit adultery."
Eleanor Roosevelt
reputedly had an affair with a woman named Lorena.
Some people wish
Bill Clinton had had an affair with a woman named Lorena. (Chris Doyle)
Both Gandhi and Montgomery
Burns were told not to have a cow. (Russell Beland)
Groucho enjoyed a cigar in
public, while
Morticia Addams: Appeared
regularly in the New Yorker.
Bill Clinton: Appears
regularly with a "New Yorker." (Jay Shuck)
Next Week: Take Another 'Whack, or The One-Hit Parade